guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
