I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
