hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
