Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
