she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
