I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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