So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
