Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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