I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sober January is a disaster.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
