I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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