My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
