you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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