Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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