sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
