How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
