she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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