I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
