Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
