I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
