I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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