I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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