i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
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using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
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did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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