so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
