another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
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i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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