He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
