Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
