She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
