I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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