uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
