1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just google imaged poop.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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