You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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