i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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