speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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