I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
