Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
