she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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