I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
