woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
