I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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