Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
