i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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