I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
