my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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