RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
