the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
