Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
