i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Send help, water and tortillas.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Randomize
