my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
