Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
