So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
