This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
