im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
