his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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