seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
