I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
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well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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