If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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