I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
