"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
