i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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