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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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