Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
