Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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