tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
