The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
