I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
