: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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